my thoughts and wonders.

i want somebody to kill me;
will you?

mytsandws. ♥

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sharifah raihanah
sherryfah. (sha. shar. shai. nana.)
foreign bodies. ex-asc. fcps. rss. nyp/sbm - media studies & management. cotton on. cancer. hates her own kind, including you.

sharaihanah@hotmail.com

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Sunday, November 27, 2011

"will. "

my macbook to muhammad syamil bin bueari.

my iphone to nur hidayah binte sajali.

my ipod to be sold and the money given to syed zulkifli bin syed abu bakar.

everything else i own to sharifah nadzirah binte syed zulkifli.

i really wanted to be a pr practitioner..

i thought and wondered at 11:59 PM

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"easy please me "

standing at the bar with my friend olivia
we were trying our best to catch up
that's when he walked over
said i'd like to get to know you
but all i could say was look i'm sorry love

you see i've had difficulties too many times before
and right now it's not really my thing
he said just give me two minutes of your time and tell me what you like me to be offering

it's not that easy
it's not that easy
these days can't find a man to please me
their lines are far too cheesy
no boy is on a level believe me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me

you don't have to have a lot of money,
all you've got to have is fire burning deep in your soul
if you have a dream for something that you love
i'll support you yeah i'll play my role

now i won't call you 20 times a day
because i've got my own shit to do
when you see my name flashing on your phone
i want you to feel butterflies comin' on through

it's not that easy
it's not that easy
these days can't find a man to please me
their lines are far too cheesy
no boy is on a level believe me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me

now one thing i can't stand is arrogance
there is no way we would ever get along
but one thing i love is confidence
and humility to know when you've been wrong

now i love a bad boy mentality
but i don't want to be visiting no jail
just know if there's someone out there mocking me
be my gangster when its time to get real

it's not that easy
it's not that easy
these days can't find a man to please me
their lines are far too cheesy
no boy is on a level believe me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me
no boy is on a level believe me
these days can't find a man to please me

- katy b

------

the thing is. i keep using PMS as an excuse everytime i get mad or moody. but trust me. some people have known me enough to know that it's just the way i roll. i am officially admitting it and saying it to your face. that it's not always PMS.

i act like i'm not sensitive, but damn fuck. i over-analyze every single shit that i see/hear/sense. it's not a fun thing to be doing, but i've been doing it for the whole 19 years of my life that it's become a subconscious habit. one that i can't shake off. well, at least not overnight.

now imma just be straightforward. to be having a (huge) crush for me is a total mistake if you don't have patience. i swear to God, you're just going to get hurt, over and over and over again. depending on how stubborn you are. but if you have patience, insyaAllah you'll move my heart from the ditch it's at now.

some people say it's cause "aku sombong". (heh.)

some people say it's cause i can't move on from my past.

i say it's cause you're not willing enough to help me move on. damnit.

and when it's between you and me? i always win.

i think i've stopped looking for love. just slowly absorbing everything that's being thrown at me, slowly digesting days, hours, minutes, seconds. my mind's been ticking so slow these days that i realise things at a much slower pace as compared to before the official split up. like just now, i turned to my mom and said: "mummy, yesterday was my birthday?"

i sounded almost relieved saying it.

i don't want to remember what happened yesterday.

because it's all fucked up shit.

the process of having to go to school and back. it's all just a complete waste of time, if you ask me. well, it's a waste of time if you slack in school. and that's exactly what i did. heh. convinced myself that i could do anything i wanted since it was my birthday. but come to think of it. it was a pretty fun day, wasn't it? hah.

gonna celebrate my birthday tomorrow with all my party people. and honestly? right now i just can't wait for it to be over. this is all bullshit. life's becoming bullshit yo.

and i wasn't even thinking of thatfunnystupidlilthingcalledlove when i typed that.

go figure.

i thought and wondered at 9:15 PM

Saturday, June 25, 2011

"Hi. "

I'm still alive.

I guess overdoses won't work on me anymore.

i thought and wondered at 4:44 PM

Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Fuck's sake "

OH AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE. IF YOU WANT TO READ MY BLOG STOP GOOGLING MY FUCKING NAME. IT'S FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE MY DAD, IF YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, OR IF YOU'RE MY DOG. IT'S JUST PLAIN PSY CHO TIC.

Disclaimer: This does not count as another entry.

i thought and wondered at 9:08 AM

"Satisfaction "

I don't know why I tried.

Every thing seems so pointless now.

I feel like walking onto a busy street and walking the path of oncoming traffic, just to see if I'm lucky enough to not get hit by a vehicle.

The heart is aching so badly that I know now, I really loved him. He completed me, and I was a stupid fool to have hurt him in the stupidest ways ever.

That being said, he is also easily the person who I hate most right now. No, I'm not kidding. I know how strong 'hate' is a word, and I'm telling you, I feel it very strongly for him now.

Where can one find the heart to do what he did, and where did I find the heart to do what I did to him? It was not love. It was selfishness that led to this. I wanted him all to myself when all he ever wanted was to try to find somebody who was more compatible with him. He told me I changed these past 2 years with being all materialistic drastically. I couldn't agree more. I prolly changed over (what it seemed) night and the only direction my finger can point the blame to is myself. I guess it's a characteristic of mine that had always been in me. Something that I cannot keep in any more. Not when I am already managing my own finances, not when I see so many things that people have and I don't. Shallow much?

More like insecure.

But that's a-whole-nother story.

It's 8.39am, and most of Singapore is still asleep. Nightlife is dying down, simmering; I should know because I was staggering out of it. I am physically shagged, unable to focus yet unable to stop thinking. I want to sleep badly, but I can't because I'm still thinking too much. Of him, mostly. What pisses me off is that I am thinking of just ending it all, really because I'm just so drained out by these emotions.

I know it's retarded. I'm beating myself up mentally not because I want to kill, or attempt to permanently disable myself, but because of how retarded and absurd the idea of killing myself because of Syamil is. Spastic, much?

In what way does that heartless (literally) ex-boyfriend of mine deserve to be the reason of me wanting to kill myself? At this point of time concerned readers will go: "Yes, that's the way, don't think of killing yourself.."

He used to tell me, if God means for us to die, we will die. And therefore, if a switch in me trips while I'm on the way to work later, then let me bid farewell to all of you in advance. This world is already so fucked up and all of us are going to hell anyway, even those girls in religious headscarfs who fuck everything up and make out with their partners like there's no tomorrow in public. Geez, even I don't go all PDA-ish like that in public. Anyway, as I was saying. Most of us, if not all, are going to hell anyway, so I might as well make myself comfortable first. And hey, don't judge me, cause I know a lot of people I know are going to hell. That's for sure. You think it's so easy to get into Heaven? Think again bitch.

Okay whatever if I don't write another post in a week's time means I'm dead. Send your condolences to my family and fucking mean it. Thanks.

i thought and wondered at 8:27 AM

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"intertwined "

so you know how it feels like when you meet somebody who shares a lot of mutual friends with you, without either of you knowing?

yeah.

a couple of months back i met somebody who was on a date with one of my close friends. i din't think much of the meeting, because he was a friend's date. 'nuff said. but then about a month after i first met him, he called me up to ask me about a mutual friend, who i had a 'relationship' with. so we talked on the phone and realised we had a lot in common. again, i din't want anything to do with him, even when he told me that my close friend and him had stopped dating. i myself was, at that point of time, confused and estranged; in a relationship that had begun falling apart faster than i had realised.

but a few days back we started talking again when i straightened my thoughts out, and we've been happy ever since. if you don't know me, you'd prolly be thinking the worse of me by now, having "steal a guy away, (especially from a close friend)". but to make things clear, she's happily attached now, and they dated for only a while.

but back to him.

i know it's only been days since i started talking to him, but he's been making me smile almost every single day, with every single thing he does. i guess it helps with both of us sharing the same horoscope signs, with extremely similar characteristics. and it's been fun getting to know that we share A LOT of mutual friends, and i find myself doing things for him that i wouldn't for others.

but it's scary.

it's scary because it's happening all so fast...

uh k bye.

i thought and wondered at 1:08 PM

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"put your hands up in the air "

so, a 4 months hiatus from blogging and what do i have to say?

(do note that this post will have a lot of heavy things to absorb as a person who cares about me, assuming you do, so if you're not feeling emotionally fine, don't read it.)

if you read my archives you'll realise that every single time i blog after a long time, i'll say "i've learnt a lot, and i grew up" and all that shizzo. but this time round, it's not me growing up, it's asking you to grow up.

first things first. although syamil and i are no longer together and we aren't even contacting anymore (not a single call/text from me at all), yes, i do miss him. and yes, i still do love him. in fact, unless you're an unbelievably sweet guy who puts me first out of all the commitments you have, there's no way you can replace him. s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y.

if you need reasons why it's so hard for me to forget him, i have no problems with you accessing the blog that i had way back in secondary school for you to understand. syamil was not only my first love, he was honestly, the guy i saw myself marrying. he wasn't only my boyfriend, but truly my best friend as well. that, to me, is the hardest relationship to have or maintain, no matter how joyful it may be.

through my early teen years, he was there, and we discovered all sorts of things together. even his ex girlfriend who in the end broke us up in secondary two, admitted to me how she could see the way he treated me was different from the way he treated her. we were more spiritually connected, no matter how weird or cheesy that sounds.

hell, i was a motherfucking bitch who ended up breaking another guy's heart because of syamil. well, it's not because of syamil, neither am i putting the blame on him. it was my love for syamil that made me act strongly and wrongly and therefore i guess i indirectly put the blame on myself. oh and FYI, that guy whose heart was broken because of me, was not only my best friend before we got together, but was a guy who shared the same passion as me (dance) and we practically did EVERYTHING together, even before we got attached for two years.

from reading that paragraph you'd have a rough idea of how deep my love for syamil goes. how selfish i can get and how many people i'd hurt just to have him back in my arms.

that being said, though..

within the last two years with syamil, i've realised that things have changed him, and that i've always wanted him to be the way he was when in secondary school. with his bike and all, it's apparent that his beliefs, passion and desires took a 360 degree turn and i was trying to change him into something i missed so much. something that i wanted to believe could happen exactly the same way again. but it couldn't.

i'm dealing with it now, and although i'm still wishing he'd change for the better and i'd change for the better. i know now that things can never be the same again. i can't always be there for him because he isn't always there for me and it's mentally draining for somebody who already has 923477983264 commitments on hand to still obsessively care about the person she loves.

i want somebody independent.

i want somebody smart.

i want somebody caring.

i want somebody who can put me first no matter what.

i want somebody who has a vehicle so that i can see him til the wee hours of the morning cause that's just how i am.

i want somebody who'll give me alone time with my friends.

i want somebody who'd buy me gifts. even if there isn't a special occasion.

i want somebody who calls me every night without me asking him to.

i want somebody who's tech savvy.

i want somebody who knows what i like and what i don't.

i want somebody who will hold on even if i push him away.

i want somebody who at certain moments when we're together, will just look me in my eyes to tell me how beautiful i am even if that isn't the truth. (okay wait, it must be the truth in his eyes ah.)

i want....

sigh. with so many wants, it's no wonder syamil struggled with being my boyfriend, ey?

so basically, what i'm trying to say, is that.. if you're not willing to go through a whole lot of shits for me, then don't even try. because as much as it's tiring for you boys, it's tiring for me too as well.

good day then.

i thought and wondered at 9:32 AM